Ebb and Flow: This Too Shall Pass

Time for another diary entry. I've been feeling on edge for the better part of a year. I've been experiencing a sort of low grade depression. Unlike previous experiences, I've been feeling this one, but it hasn't clouded my perception and isn't accompanied by high frustration or despair. Previously, these feelings would make me look at my life, my relationships, work, etc., to see if I could identify what was causing my low mood. The result would inevitably be something I couldn't change without completely disrupting my life, and so I'd remain stagnant. I suppose that's the main difference: now if I feel a little down and I can attribute it to some aspect of my life, I can do something about it if I wish, or I can look at other aspects and gain a little contentment. How is this different? I suppose now I feel empowered, whereas before I felt at the mercy of systems of control I'd felt I had no choice but to accept.

The main system of control that affects my mood the most is employment. You work for at least 1/3 of every week day, so if you're not satisfied with your work, that's a big chunk of your life to ignore, or put on the back burner. A lot in my life has changed. I suppose on this front, working remotely is a big help. But I've done that for years, so why does it help now? The separation helps prevent me from jumping to conclusions about or misdiagnosing the cause of my low mood, and it helps me put some space between those feelings and any attempt to address them. That space helps me keep nagging but innocuous issues in perspective. But work is work, and to quote Tom Waits, "you have to get behind the mule in the morning and plow." Things are never ideal, or if they are, they never stay that way for very long. So my approach is to continue to be of service and to do my best. I think it helps that what I see as not ideal is not related to personnel.

So it's not entirely work that's the cause of my low mood, and upon further reflection, things on that front are pretty good. There's always room for improvement, but overall it's healthy.

I am in a period of social isolation. Maybe I'm refusing the return, maybe I'm just trying to establish what I feel in my soul as a good routine with constructive activities around like minded people, and it's taking longer than I want. I suppose this has also been contributing to my low mood. I'm still in a place where I'd rather not socialize if it's not with like minded people. I'm still trying to figure out how to find those people. I'm not sure I will. So maybe there's some loneliness contributing to how I've been feeling. I could go out and be social, and I'm sure if I did, I'd find all kinds of little gems of experiences I wouldn't have had otherwise. I've done that. It can be fun. The effort is taxing, and so I've come to the conclusion that it's too much work for not enough return, at least at present. I'm not being a hermit, I'm just not going out and doing things because they're there.

Additionally, when will we stop this daylight saving time madness?! I was starting to feel better and then the time change set me back. My setback was nothing more than an increased resistance to starting my day, but I had just started to feel that subside when the system made the sun rise an hour earlier than it had just a day before.

This highlights a complex relationship I have to routine: not enough of it and I feel overwhelmed by chaos, too much of it and I feel bored with the same old. I believe this is also a contributing factor, and so I've been trying to shake up my routine. I hope one of these days I'll find or build just the right amount of structure, but maybe that is something that will need constant attention.

Regardless, now that spring is arriving and the days are getting longer and warmer, I am finding that I don't have the inclination to go to bed at 7pm like I have all winter. It's a little easier to get started in the morning. I feel a little more productive at the end of the day. I've had little moments of gratitude and happiness over the last year, and I've made it a point to acknowledge and appreciate those moments, and to stop and think if there's anything to learn from them, just as I do when I'm down.

Just writing this helps. Searching for an image to accompany this entry led me to a bunch of depression quotes that just don't apply to how I've been feeling, including the one I used. That alone makes my heart swell and brings a smile to my face. This too, shall pass.